Bike Fashion

Many years ago,  I decided to enter my first road race after reading an article in Bicycling Magazine that was titled "Your first race" or something to that effect.  I remember the point of the article was essentially 'if you haven't raced, you are missing out'.  I got butterflies in my stomach that night reading those words and decided, I'm going for it.  The piece in the magazine provided a checklist of essential items to do prior to the race and I followed it to the very letter.  Familiarize yourself with the course.  Check.  Don't forget safety pins for your number.  Check.  Urinate an hour before....and then urinate again right before you start.  Check.  (I think I actually pissed about 17 times that morning I was so nervous).  When the time came, and all Cat V riders were called to the line, I rolled up with all the confidence I could muster.  I looked around at the pack of about 45 cyclists and marveled at a sea of shaved, well muscled and tanned legs rivaled in shinyness only by the ocean of clear-coated carbon fiber frames.  I looked down at my own hairy, white legs....skinny and ill-defined.  The only thing below my waist (that was visible) that was whiter than my legs was the paint job on my aluminum ride.  Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed the lean cyclist on my right lean over and snicker something to the guy on his right that sounded just like "albino sasquatch".  But then the gun sounded, the pack rolled off and I was a racer.  Surrounded by the whir and hum of the cyclists around me gave me a surge of adrenaline I'd not felt since I asked Julie Zovath if I could kiss her in the seventh grade.   The peloton hit the base of the first hill and the leaders slowed, the effect rippling backward through the mass of riders until it reached me at which point I actually had to brake to avoid colliding with the wheel in front of me.  Suddenly, everyone around me was surging forward in a whip-tailed response to make up for the loss in speed with such singular momentum, it was as if everyone was connected by a communal telepathy.  Everyone that is, except me.  The peloton flew around me up the slope of the steep hill as though I had slipped into reverse.  I had been dropped one half of the way through the first of three laps around the hilly circuit.  My race was over with 27 miles to go.  I finished DFL.  I learned an important lesson that morning.  The only time you might see the other cyclists in the peloton is at the start line - so you should at least look like you know what you are doing even if you can't ride like it.

With this in mind, I thought today we should discuss some issues of bike fashion.  Important to every cycling subculture is: appearance, appearance, appearance.  As I was about town this past week, I managed to photograph a few rides that are worthy of analysis and discussion.  For each ride, I've posted a non-labelled photograph first so that you can try to spot les faux-pas with me.

Bike #1:

Upon first examination, this appears to be a nice fixie.  Not sure of the type of frame, but has some yellow-taped flop and chops with a front wheel suicide brake.  Upon closer examination, however we see something a little odd at the base of the seat post.  Oh no.

Yup - a bandana is wrapped around the base of the seat post.  Now, some will use this to cover up an unsightly seat post clamp, however to me, it makes your bike look like it's wearing a diaper.  Notice how it is periously perched in a prime mud-flinging area between the rear wheel and your ass.  Did you know that in the UK, a diaper is called a 'nappy.'  I think we'll call this one the 'bike nappy'.

Bike #2:

I caught this hipsteresque chap on 9th street with his fixie.  This one should be a lot easier than the first one.  Let's break it down?

Ok - we'll work from left to right on this one.  How about the non-taped, polished chrome 'flop-no-chops'.  I have no problems with the non-chopped look and think unfettered polished chrome drops can be hot...but as far as practicality?  I imagine that trying to grip non-taped, non-gripped, polished chrome handlebars with sweaty palms prevalent in the heat of a mid-Missouri summer would be about as effective as grabbing a snot-covered door knob.  Secondly - what is up with the flip flops for foot wear?  Completely impractible if he wants to ride with cages on the pedals.  Plus they have no grip on the bottom, thus potentiating slipping off the front of the pedal and raking it up his atrophied, hairy, little calf.  In addition - they are just plain unhealthy as has been reported in the news lately!  Lastly - Mr. 'Flip-Flip-No-Chop' is sporting a hydration system on his back.  Yep - cause I'm guessing the distance covered on this bike in flip-flops and polished chrome flopped bars could really result in some serious dehydration.  On the other hand, he is wearing a wool hat on a day that was around 80 degrees - so that can make you thirsty.

Bike #3:

Everybody ready for the train wreck?

Yup - this is about an '87 Peugeot Mont Cenis PSN10 (I think?) that has apparently been converted to an SS.  And I must say - the bike is incredibly clean and has been clearly cared for and loved.  Kudos for some sweet, sweet bike love.  But what is even more lovely here are all the things that have been added.
1) The kick stand.  Did this bike even come with a kick stand originally?  Does anyone know?  Oh my.  Could this bike have had a kick stand added?
2) A MONSTER 'pie plate' spoke protector; that most useless of bike add-ons that is only slightly easier to remove than a fat kid off of a piece of cake.
3) In place of Bike #1's diaper, this dandy is sporting a plastic flower arrangement attached to the seat stays behind the reflector.  Lipstick on a pig, Mr. Peugeot.  Lipstick on a pig.  (I almost gave this a pass because the flowers are color-coordinated with the stripes on the frame's original paint job.)
4) A locking system comprised of a chain so large it was originally used to hold the anchor on the Lusitania that secures the frame, and yet abandons both wheels.  I'm hoping this chain is a permanent fixture on the outside of this building, but can guess this cyclist carries it around in a fanny pack while riding. (This almost got a pass because perhaps the rider was previously using a bic-pen susceptible U-lock and wanted to bump it up a notch protection-wise.)

That's all for now.  Pedal on.